


The Skies Are Black But Our Hearts Are Made of Gold

by orphan_account



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Angst, Coran roasts Keith, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gay Keith (Voltron), Hunk & Lance (Voltron) Friendship, Hunk (Voltron) is so Pure, Hunk low key quotes Ned from Spider Man Homecoming, Hurt Lance (Voltron), I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, IT RHYMES, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Insomnia, Insomniac Lance (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith is an ass, Keith/Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance & Pidge | Katie Holt Friendship, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron)-centric, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Or Is It?, Physical Abuse, Protective Shiro (Voltron), References to Depression, Sad Lance (Voltron), Smh I'm Going to Bed, Sorry Not Sorry, Space Dad Shiro (Voltron), Space Mom Allura (Voltron), Space Uncle Coran (Voltron), This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Unrequited Lance/Keith, Verbal Abuse, Why Did I Write This?, You had to be there tbh, my son - Freeform, that should be my new catch phrase
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-16 11:13:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13052859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Lance knows for sure Keith doesn't like him. Not as a friend, nor family, and definitely not as a life long partner.He's content that he's at least dying with knowledge of that.So he watches Keith's mercilessly sword fall upon the gang of soldiers, leaving a blood bath in his wake.He thinks he's beginning to understand why Keith hates him so much.He doesn't want to deal with a mess like this.A mess Lance left behind.OrFour times Keith gave Lance proof he hates him and one time he tries to prove he doesn't.





	1. (golden)

**Author's Note:**

> Me: *Reads someone else's book decription incorrectly*
> 
> Me: *rereads it*
> 
> Still Me:  
> No. But really. How about this-- *writes my own shit based off my misread of someone's book description*
> 
> Me: this some good shit. *dives for the publish button*
> 
> Or.  
> I'm An Idiot Sandwhich: A Narrative.  
> Chapter One: It's 2:56 am and I have things to do in the morning. What do I do? Write like I'm running out of time.
> 
> Subtitle: I a m running out of time.
> 
> Epilogue: I'll probably edit this tomorrow and publish it then too.
> 
> Sequel: It's tomorrow and I have followed through. (Ps. This morning was a bitch) (Pps. I watched Spiderman: Homecoming again last night and the near-death scene was inspired by when Peter [read: Pedro] had that ringing in his ears on the beach after the plane crash)
> 
> God, I'm annoying. Sorry, enjoy?
> 
> Oh, also!  
>  ⚠️Triggering content! Please read the tags!⚠️

When Lance implied their rivalry, he meant it in a competitive way. To spark a flame, to motivate himself and get under Keith's skin.

And besides it being amusing, it was beneficial to them both.

It pushed them both to their limits and beyond; gaining muscle, intelligence, energy, and - or so Lance began to think - a relationship.

As much as he was starting to feel a pull for the romantic type, he knew the best he could possibly get at this point was maybe a familiar relationship. And he would settle for that, honestly; but Keith, apparently, wouldn't.

He truly hated Lance.

Now, the blue paladin knows hate is a strong word, he knows Keith would have his back no matter what, and he knows Keith just has a hard time expressing feelings. But it's still clear to him. Keith really hates Lance.

 _Really_ hates him.

The first time he starts to feel it's a true statement is when he least expects it.

* * *

 

Lance doesn't ever wake up early. He goes to bed late every damn night, insomnia never allowing his brain room to breathe and relax.

One night in particular, Lance's brain feels as if it's fueled by caffeine and his eyes are nowhere near about to close for anything other than to blink. His fingers twitch with bottled energy needed to be expelled; he makes an easy decision.

He throws his covers over his legs and hops out of bed, the cold air washing over his heated skin and he heads out, blanket draped over his shoulders like Superman's cape.

He opens his door and starts his journey to nowhere, dragging his feet along the cold tiles of the castle, waiting patiently for that heavy feeling of sleep.

He doesn't get it for hours.

He ends up awake all night and, as a result, early for breakfast.

He goes back to his room to shower, wash his face, brush his teeth, get dressed and heads back out to the kitchen where he prepares his daily bowl of food goo. He bumps into a tired looking Keith.

The red paladin worldlessly heads to the dinning hall, rubbing the sleep from his eyes with a yawn.

Lance follows, eyes sore and red, but nonetheless, awake. His face and body feel loopy, his limbs like jello as he carries them over to the table, giving them a break to sit.

"G'morning," he mumbles to the raven haired teen. The other grunts in response, starting to lazily eat his own food.

Lance begins small talk, droning on about dumb little things like the temperature of the castle halls, the low supply of face masks in his bathroom, the fact that it's way too early to be up at the moment and how he'd like to go ~~back~~ to bed.

Keith remains quiet and Lance feels annoying. He wants feedback, an opinion, _something_.

"So, I've got this really dumb song stuck in my h--" he's cut off.

"God, Lance, can't you _shut up?"_

The tan male looks up from his bowl and straight into (as he suspected) annoyed eyes. He suppresses a flinch but can't keep from curling in on himself, hunching his shoulders over his nearly empty bowl.

"I'm sorry, I just--"

"No. Stop it. I don't care."

Lance shuts his mouth, scooping food onto his spork. "I was just going to sa--"

"God, _shut up!"_

And Lance does, silently finishing his meal before retreating to his room.

He bumps into Shiro on his way back who says good morning. Lance hums his response but says nothing.

* * *

 

The second time Keith proves he hates Lance is in the haste of a mission.

Or the beginnings of one anyways.

Hunk, Pidge and Keith are assigned to help defend the castle as Lance and Shiro are on offense, investigating a single ship that has crash landed on theirs.

Allura warns Lance, specifically , to be careful not to loose his bayard again (seeing as it has happened previously in the heat of battle. It hadn't gone very well that time.)

This time, however, becomes a babysitting job. Keith is to pointedly look out for Lance.

He isn't happy about this.

"Why?!" Keith growls, hands clenched. "Lance can manage! I don't want to be in charge of cleaning up after his sorry ass!"

"Keith," the princess warns, "you have to learn to work with your fellow paladins to build trust and form a more powerful bond. And you have to care for each other to do so--" Allura is about to say something more but Keith interrupts.

_"I don't care about Lance!"_

The blue paladin physically feels his chest constrict and he's certain his lungs have collapsed.

 _"Keith,"_ Shiro says, head bowed in a warning manner like Allura, but the other doesn't let him continue.

"No. I'm not going to put up with this. Have Hunk do it, or Pidge, I don't care. Just let me take care of myself and whatever shit Lance gets himself into - _not_ interfere with my job." With that he walks away, not at all aware of the damage he's left in his wake.

Lance's subconscious twists into something worse than what he's originally been given.

He cries to himself in another sleepless night.

* * *

 

By the third time, Lance is sure Keith hates him, but it doesn't stop the pain of the matter to hurt any less.

It's over team exercises this time; Allura has ordered a training session.

Voltron can't be assembled anymore. And, according to her, that needs to be fixed.

Lance knows it's his fault. He know it's his fault because he no longer trusts Keith as much as he used to. This tips Voltron off balance, causing them to go through this trouble of training.

He wishes that he could put up with it this time but he can't. Not when the exercise is to navigate on a floor-moving course to save another paladin's life.

Surprisingly, Lance isn't paired with the red paladin. He's paired with Pidge. Keith is paired with Hunk. Shiro sits this one out.

Despite not being partners, Keith and him are to be in the same room; their objective to reach one another without falling through cracks in the ground.

Keith is then placed on an X in the corner of a room, Lance placed onto a similar one across the length room.

Allura commands the training to begin and suddenly the floor is alive, pillars shaped into hexagons moving unevenly as the point is for this to be difficult.

Lance is soon overridden with stress and panic, his eyes are swelling with tears in the overwhelming situation and he looks up to find Keith in the mess of it all.

He listens to Pidge direct him, telling him where the next pilar will emerge and where to step instead.

By the time he's nearly at the center, he's out of breath, sore, and his ankle feels like it's on fire from getting caught between rising pillars.

He spots Keith.

Lance calls out, reaching for the raven haired teen, trying to meet him halfway.

Keith dramatically scoffs and jumps onto the center X, waiting for Lance to do the same on his own.

Lance can't do so with an injured ankle, but Keith doesn't know that.

He waits with his arms crossed as the X pillar begins to rise slowly, seeing as one paladin has completed the task.

Or most of it.

Lance can't come to terms with how this exercise is supposed to truly bring them together. Especially when Keith won't _fucking. help. him._

His jaw sets, his teeth clamp down. He is going to pass the exercise and that's final. With or without Keith's help.

He bites back his howl of pain as he jumps, his hands reaching for purchase in the flat of the pillar, until his left hand catches the edge.

He pants out a smile and tries to hoist himself up, his right hand swinging up to meet the other.

Keith watches with no intentions to help.

Lance frowns but kicks his feet up onto the flat of the pillar and his ankle screams in pain. He bites his tongue and tries to call out to Keith to help him up, but Keith doesn't move.

"Keith, c'mon. Dude. Bro. I'm," he grunts, "a little- uh- Help me?"

Keith rolls his eyes.

 _"Keith?"_ He squeaks, sweaty hands _not helping._

His fingers start to burn with exertion and the nerves in both his shoulders and ankle sing in harmony.

His left hand lets go and he slaps it forward, onto the platform with hope that his sweat is sticky enough to stay until he can throw his body over the pillar.

It isn't and he doesn't.

Lance's hands slip from beneath him and he falls backwards, arms flailing in panic.

He hits a rising pillar behind him, knocking the wind from his lungs.

He's out like a light.

* * *

 

Later, he's half conscious but able to catch the conversation between Coran, Shiro, and ( _of course_ ) Keith.

Everything is dull, his vision is blurry and his body is just _pain_.

Nothing less.  
He is, in fact, the very _definition_ of pain at the moment.

 _"You should have helped him."_ He hears Shiro say, most likely at Keith who responds.

_"If the guy can't do a simple pull-up, what hope did he have in becoming a fighter pilot? Much less a paladin of Voltron?"_

Coran huffs somewhere above him. _"I believe the blue lion choose_ Lance _, did she not? It wasn't_ you _. Nor anyone else, for that matter. He is as much a paladin as you are, if not more, for he did not have to_ prove _himself to the blue lion."_

Lance can picture the shifting in the distance as Keith crossing his arms. _"Yeah? Well, if_ he _is a part of Voltron, can't anyone else be too? It's not that difficult to be an idiot and learn to shoot a gun. Anyone can do that."_

Lance's tries to tell himself differently in the past become useless. His attempt tonight is no different.

* * *

 

The fourth tally mark, fourth finger up, fourth bullet-point, is presented when (unsurprisingly) Lance screws up on another mission.

This one can nearly go without description.

Lance is to guard a Galra cargo ship parked on a moon he's forgotten the name of. Shiro and Keith have gone in to find something useful, some leverage against the Galra in the war.

Lance can't help but let his eyes catch a girl.

However, this time, it's different.

The girl is young, an alien he recognizes to be the princess of the planet that this moon orbits. She also happens to be in the midst of getting kidnapped.

He glances back at his team before looking around to check if the coast is clear.

Upon seeing no one, he runs straight for the girl, shooting downs the guards towing her along. The girl looks like she's going to cry from joy when she realizes she's being rescued.

But it all goes to hell when one of the guards goes to get backup and returns with an army.

In the end, the girl is taken back to the royal family, safe.

On the other hand, Shiro is nearly dead.

  
_"You_ idiot! _"_ Keith yells in his face as their leader floats in a pod.

Hunk steps between them, placing hands on their chests to pull them further apart. "Now, Keith, let's be rational."

 _"Why?!"_ He asks, hands ready to punch Lance's face in. _"This moron nearly got Shiro killed over some girl!"_

Lance is just as angry at this point. _"That 'girl' was the princess of the planet! What was I supposed to do?! She was being kidnapped!"_

_"Oh, I don't know. Alert us?!"_

Hunk tries to say something but Keith shoves the yellow paladin away harshly before he attacks Lance, tackling him before he even knows what's happened.

There are punches, blood, bruises, but it's nothing compared to how painfully Keith twists Lance's arm back and snaps the bones in it in half.

Lance screams in pain, holding his dangling limb close to his chest.

The others pull them apart and Keith allows it.

He then stomps away.

Lance curls in on himself, falling back to lean on Shiro's pod. He has never wished to die more.

* * *

 

He's dying.

He's certain of it.

His chest is literally bleeding out, the bullet in him the cause of it.

His ears ring with eerie silence, eyes going in and out of focus, his body is in pain but it's fallen numb to his senses.

He wants to accept death. He truly does, but he can't.

For a long time, he's wished for this to happen. He's pleaded at night to whatever being above to die this way. In battle. Like a hero. A soldier.

But now that he's here, he doesn't feel ready.

Death is now so close he can grasp it in his fingers.

But he realizes he should have read the terms and conditions before signing something with ink.

Everything he's ever wanted to do? Not done.

All those books/animes/sequels/series/ _his life_ ; left, for the most part, incomplete.

If he dies now, he'll never get married. Never have kids. Never watch his younger siblings grow. He'll never get a chance to say goodbye to his family. They'll never truly know what happened to him.

He'll never finish _Haikyuu!!_ , never hear another song, never graduate the Garrison, never... never let Keith know his feelings. His feelings of pain, love, hate, happiness.

Shiro will never know how much Lance looked up to him.

Pidge will never know how much Lance loves her like a sibbling. Not to mention is blown away by how freakishly talented and smart she truly is.

Hunk... Hunk already knows how much Lance loves him. But he'll never hear it from him one last time.

Allura and Coran will never know how much they've grown on Lance. How close to family he feels when it comes to them.

He'll die and all these things are left unfinished. Unsaid. Unseen.

Death... death is permanent.

He doesn't know if an afterlife exists, if he'll reicarnate or if he'll go somewhere to heaven or hell. But he knows he won't be living _this life_ ever again.

He isn't ready for it to be over. No matter how many times he's wanted it to be.

And that alone said a lot.

He thinks all this as the Galra surround him. But they don't get close enough.

  
_Keith_.

  
_Keith is there._

He's standing between the wall of Galra soldiers and Lance, hands outstretched, voice booming through the buzzing silence Lance's ears have created.

_"Don't touch him."_

Lance's head hits the floor from how his neck was craned to watch. He smiles lazily, fuzzy warmth pulsing more blood out of his chest faster.

He almost wishes Keith hadn't said that.

If he had to die, he'd rather do so  _without_ the confusion of the paladin's feelings towards him.

Does he hate him? Does he tolerate him? Does he lowkey enjoy Lance's presence? He'll never know. But he knows for sure, Keith doesn't like him. Not as a friend, nor family, and definitely not as a life long partner.

Lance is content that he's at least dying with knowledge of that.

So he watches Keith's mercilessly sword fall upon the gang of soldiers, leaving a blood bath in his wake.

Lance starts to understand why Keith wants him to die so bad.

He doesn't want to deal with a mess like this.

A mess Lance left behind.

* * *

 

He's died.

He's sure of it.

There is just _no way_ he can be hearing Keith in a soothing voice above him otherwise.

_"Shhh, you're gonna be okay. You're alright. Just hang on, stay with me, you hear? I can't loose you."_

Lance must really have been a saint on Earth because only heaven could be this generous.

_"I've got you. We're almost to the castle, just a little further."_

Lance takes his word for it, curling tighter into the natural warmth of Heaven's-version of Keith's chest, sounds fading around him with the rapid pulse of his and Keith's heartbeat.

* * *

 

Coran is the one crying with sniffles, Hunk is the loud one, sobbing into his hands, Pidge can't be heard.

Neither can the others.

Lance only hears the wheeling of, what he's assuming is, the bed he's in, the directions Allura is yelling, and the rushing of footsteps.

He feels tired.

So, _so_ tired.

A nap wouldn't hurt.

...Right?

Right.

* * *

 

When he comes to again, he's freezing.

His breath comes out as a fog in the split tick his eyes are open and the pod is still around him.

Not a second later, he's falling forward and onto a small body.

He catches himself in a push-up position above, what he assumes is, the green paladin.

Pidge, as he's correctly guessed, squeaks in surprise beneath him.

She meets his eyes as they lay on the floor and comes to a visible realization.

"You're awake!" She hugs him, wrapping her arms around his neck and, in result, tugging him down with her.

He's careful not to crush her and chuckles as she cries into his shoulder.

"We thought you were dead. Oh god, Lance, we thought we lost you! You weren't breathing and your heart stopped, but Allura managed to get your heart pumping again after almost an hour! I can't believe you're alive!" She sobbed.

Lance frowns, "I'm sorry I worried you."

Pidge laughs between a gasp for air, "I'm just glad you're okay."

Lance smiles softly and hugs her back, burying his nose in her hair as he holds her tight. He hopes she feels his heartbeat; he wants her to calm at the sound - _he's alive_. He needs her to know that.

She feels it pulse between them and relaxes into his arms.

The two remain quiet, comforting each other with their presence alone before Pidge jumps.

"I need to tell the others!"

Lance laughs into her hair and begrudgingly lets her go.

She was warm. He's still freezing.

She jumps to her feet and to the nearest coms.

Lance rolls onto his back, after she's squeezed out from beneath him, and allows himself to bathe in oxygen, light, colors, _life_.

He'll never take it for granted again.

* * *

 

It's not long before the Alteans and paladins have congregated in the infirmary; Hunk hugging the precious life out of Lance.

Shiro laughs, "Careful there. Might accidentally put him back in the pod."

Hunk loosens his hold, "Sorry."

Lance falls back on his feet with a laugh, "So. What did I miss?"

The paladins tense.

Shiro clears his throat, "Well, after you got shot, Keith - um - he took down the ship. We managed to get you to the lions and brought you back, but you -uh- you nearly died on us."

Lance's frown deepens and his eyes darken, "Right. Pidge - uh - Pidge told me."

Hunk started to tear up again, "We... almost _lost you_ , dude. We were there, you... you could have _died_."

Lance meets their eyes individually, settling on Coran. "Thank you."

They remain silent. "For saving me."

Lance turns to Keith, "And for not giving up on me."

Keith nods with pursed lips and Lance wants to hug him.

But despite the fact that Keith saved him, Lance knows what boundaries are still forbidden. He still remembers that Keith... Keith isn't very fond of him.

Actually, he probably only saved Lance because someone commanded it. Or because he was the closest in the scene.

Keith could very well still hate his whole being with the same fiery passion as always.

He looks away.

"I think I'm going to head to bed now. Long day and all." He waves offhandedly with a shrug and a chuckle to cover up his sadness.

The others agree that he should rest and so he retreats to his room.

* * *

 

The first thing he does when he gets to his room: he bathes.

Long, warm, bubbly. He deserves it.

His health may be perfect at the moment but that doesn't stop the ache in his sore muscles.

After that he gets dressed. Or tries to, getting into his boxers before there's a knock at his door.

"Uh. It's Keith." He hears, following the knock.

Lance walks up to the door with a curiously arched brow. "What's up?" He asks.

Keith tenses visibly, eyes looking him up and down. "Uh - I -" he clears his throat and steps back, "I came to check on you."

Lance ruffles the towel draped over his head to dry his soaked hair. "I'm doing good. Better than I was when I was earlier. It's really fucking gross that the pods don't shower us." He shivers dramatically, "How long was I in there anyways? I smelled disgusting."

Keith fidgets in place. "Three days."

It's Lance's turn to stiffen. _"What?"_

Keith only nods.

"It's never taken so long on anyone!"

"Yeah, well, no one's died for so long only to live again either." Keith mutters.

Lance's shoulders fall. "How... _how am I still alive?"_

"I still wonder the same thing." Keith nearly whispers. Lance meets his eyes.

"Do you mean that in... a bad way?" He asks in the the same volume, but his voice sounds pained.

Keith rushes to correct him. "No! No! Not at all! Lance, why would you even think that?!"

Lance's eyes fall to the floor.

Huh. He never noticed the designs of the tiles. Interesting.

Keith sees his change in mood and places a hand on the blue paladin's shoulder.

"Why would I _ever_ want you to die?"

Lance can't look at him. He knows if he does, he'll cry. So he turns around, "It's not too hard to find reasons why." He mumbles, hoping Keith doesn't hear.

He's unsuccessful.

Keith panics, hurriedly wrapping his arms around Lance's torso, clutching the fabric of his shirt as he tugs the other flush to him.

"I'm - I'm sorry. I don't know what I've done to make you feel that way, but I'm ... I'm _so_ sorry."

Lance laughs bitterly. It's more of a bark.

 _"You don't know?"_ He asks laughing in disgusted offense.

 _"How about,_ oh I don't know: _'shut up, Lance!'_ or, _'Can't you see?! Lance is useless!'_ " Lance's jaw clenches. " Let's not forget my personal favorites: _'You fucking idiot!'_ And _'Stupid ass moron!'_ " He gives a short, venomous laugh. " _'It's not that difficult to be an idiot and learn to shoot a gun. Anyone can do that.'_ "

Keith's hold loosens.

"Lance, I--"

"Get out."

Keith jumps at the change in Lance's voice.

It's deeper, completely serious. He's never heard it so... _pained_.

"What?"

"I said, _get out."_

Keith pulls back, "But Lance--"

"I don't want to hear it. Get out."

"You don't understand--"

"And I don't want to. Just because you saved my life doesn't mean you've apologized. Nor that you're forgiven. Just... get out." Lance swallows hard, "I need to be alone."

Keith respects his decision and nods, backing away, hearing the door close behind him.

He's really fucked up this time and he knows it. He just never noticed how awful and how _much_ debris and damage he's left behind until now.

* * *

 

Lance can't help but feel bad the next morning.

He knows what he said was fair, it was finally revealed that he was hurt by everything Keith had done or said having to deal with him before this last mission.

But he felt as if he'd kicked a puppy.

Keith watched him _die_.

He knows that changes a person.

He knows Keith must blame himself. If not for his near death, definitely for what Lance brought up last night. And it feels _wrong_.

Lance may be upset that Keith hates him, but _he_ would never hurt Keith on purpose.

So, when he sees the other at breakfast, he suggests they speak after their meal.

Keith is unsure, but nonetheless, agrees.

  
Lance finds himself sitting on the couch on the observatory, wrapped in a blue fleece blanket as Keith starts the conversation.

"I... I don't know how- or in what better way to say this, but- I really am... sorry. I... I guess I never realized how my anger was so easily triggered and.... I took it out on you. It wasn't fair. You didn't deserve that. I... I'm sorry, Lance."

The taller teen hums, "Thank you. I accept your apology. And I'm sorry I used those things you've done last night against you. It was immature to bring it up when you were already apologizing. I'm sorry."

Keith smiles slightly, "I _did_ break your arm that one time, which was really uncool. So... let's call it even?"

"Yeah." Lance sighs, his smile mirroring Keith's. "Even."

They sit in silence for a heartbeat (Lance pays attention to those very attentively now) before he keeps talking. "I think I'm going to head back to bed. Y'know, still fatigued from the pod and stuff--"

"Can I hug you?"

Lance freezes as he's interrupted. Keith's face goes from pale to red in a second and he becomes a stuttering mess. "Sorry! That sounded weird. We don't have to if you don't want to. It was just a thought, I'll just--"

Lance doesn't remember moving, but they're hugging.

Keith's shoulders settle and fall from the tension he's pent up; he lets out a breath of relief, hugging him tight. There are tears in his eyes, but he shoves his face into Lance's shoulders, his shirt soaking them up as they fall.

"Thank you." Keith whispers.

Lance hugs him tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...
> 
> apologies?
> 
> my hands slipped.
> 
>  
> 
> title is a lyric to a song on Eminem's new album and I FUCKING LOVE ALL OF HIS MUSIC, HOLY SHIT GO LISTEN IF YOU HAVENT ALREADY!!  
> IMMA BE OVER HERE SOBBING INTO MY PILLOW, SO... IF YA NEED ME... YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME.  
> (P!ATD plays in the distance)
> 
> sorry lol
> 
> anyways
> 
> scream at me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/voicecrackismyaesthetic)  
> 


	2. Fuck Doing What You're Told

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn't right.  
> How could Lance let him off so easy?  
> Keith was determined to figure out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I got a lot of feedback fast! Sorry, I made a lot of you upset by the apologies at the end. I have a more thorough reason on Lance's behalf in the comments of the last chapter. I wrote it out once, and then copy and pasted it into other people's replies because I feel like I worded it right and didn't know how else to explain with other words. Sorry if it sounds lazy, I swear it isn't. Ive thought long and hard about it and all I can say is that Lance... he knows people have problems; he himself does. He doesn't want to worry Keith further. It's sad, I know, but some people are like that. It's not a weakness or a flaw. Honestly, I see it as a strength. It opens people's eyes and that's what goes down in the chap. Keith's eyes open.  
> Thats it. Thats the story.  
> Thank you and good night! *trips down some stairs*

Everything under Keith's skin itches.

His fingers twitch, his feet tap constantly, he's restless.

He can't seem to let go of the conversation he had with Lance.

Why had he been forgiven?

Lance had every right to stay mad at him.  
Keith _hurt_ him. Not just that; Keith would go as far as to call it... _abuse_.

The very word rattles his being. When did he become like this? Where was the normal, awkward, confused Keith he once knew?

As much as he hates admitting it, he's become the kind of person he always promised he wouldn't become.

And he hates himself. For becoming it. For allowing himself to give in.

_He hurt Lance._

He's so disgusted by himself that he... he's let himself be consumed by irrational anger and frustration that _he_. _HURT. LANCE._

Physically. Emotionally.

Mentally.

Keith doesn't know Lance on a personal level. He wishes he did. He wishes he _had_.

The fact that he didn't before this whole mess drives him insane. It was what caused him to see Lance as nothing more than an immature teen, always happy-go-lucky no matter what.

To him, Lance never frowned, never looked pained. He easily became the target of Keith's anger.

He forgot an awfully important fact of the matter.

 _Lance is human_.

He's overlooked that statement the moment he realized what kind of a person he _thought_ Lance was.

So... _why did Lance forgive him?_

It seemed too easy.

Lance always challenged him competitively. Where did the flame of that go? Why wasn't Lance _angry_ at him? Keith knows _he'd_ be pissed in Lance's shoes.

He narrows his jumbled thoughts to two choices he should make.

1) Confront Lance.

2) Earn Lance's trust again.

Confronting Lance seems like a terrible idea, so many things could go wrong.

Lance could brush him off.  
Lance could feel offended that Keith doesn't believe his accepted apology is genuine.  
Lance could... well...  
Lance could do a lot of things.  
And it's sad that Keith doesn't know him well enough to actually figure out how he's going to react.

Nonetheless, Keith knows it's best to smoothen out the situation layed before them. Lance deserves it.

* * *

 

  
"Hey," he begins softly as he leans on the doorframe of the kitchen. Lance stops whatever he's doing to turn and give a small smile. "Hey."

Keith takes one last deep breath before pushing off the wall and walking over to the blue paladin.

"So... I - uh - I wanted to know if you had some time to talk?" The statement comes out more of a question, but Keith is more focused on Lance's facial expressions. They - as he's come to realize - give away his feelings easier. If one pays attention in the first few seconds before he changes them anyways.

Lance's face reveals curiosity and, if Keith is right, a little bit of fear too. They're quickly replaced with a caring smile.

Keith holds back his flinch in exchange for a warm smile.

Lance turns his full body to face Keith, "Yeah, of course. What's up?"

Keith feels a bucket of cold water wash over him. He didn't think he'd get this far.

"Um, I -" he scrunches his brows, searching his brain for words. "You - you said you accepted my apology." He states, noticing the way the other stiffens.

This only pushes him to continue.

"I want you to know how much that means to me. I've done some awful things to you; there aren't excuses for that." He lets out a breath and steps forward. "So, why?"

Lance blinks owlishly. "What?" He asks confused. "Why what?"

Keith's hand reaches out, but he decides against it, shoving it into his pants pockets.

"Why did you accept my apology?"

Lance remains silent, his eyes still wide with surprise.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Lance," Keith looks away. "You and I both know you have every right to have not accepted it. Hell, you have every right to not want to speak with me. Now, or _ever_. I _hurt_ you." He meets Lance's crystal blue eyes. "That is never something you should brush off."

Lance's breath stops short.

"I'm sor--"

"Dammit, Lance!" Keith throws his hands exasperatedly in the air, turning away from the tan boy. " _You_ shouldn't be the one apologizing!" Keith lowers his arms. " _I_ should."

Lance purses his lips and steps forward, a hesitant hand extended towards Keith. "No, Keith, really. It's fine. Don't worry about it."

Keith turns to face Lance again, his voice dropping to a whisper. "It's not fine." He states, his voice then raising a bit. "Yell at me! Scream! Hit me! Do _something_!"

Lance removes his hand, from where it hovered in the air, like he's been burned.

"Why would I do that?" He asks softly.

Keith huffs a breathy laugh in disbelief. "Because I deserve it, Lance."

The blue paladin shakes his head. "No. You don't. You are always under stress, you have so many problems to deal with; I understand that you never want to deal with the shit I throw around. It gets annoying. _I'm_ annoying."

He looks away, "And then you had to watch me nearly die. Because of something you'd warned me about, at that." He chuckles sadly. "I understand that I pushed your buttons one too many times. It's fine. We're even."

Keith doesn't know what to do. He's shocked; Lance... Lance had a point, but only because he'd seen it ftom a different perspective.

He's always seen the good in others and, yet, is quick to find faults in himself.

Keith... Keith can't believe he hurt such an innocent, warm, selfless, person.

He reaches out to Lance and hugs him tight. He feels the other's heartbeat beneath him, settling his stiff, tense bones. He relaxes, feeling Lance do the same.

They stay like that and Keith takes the moment to notice small details.

Lance's body language - open, inviting, safe.

His hair, tickling his nose, is soft - smells like cucumbers.

His shoulders - wide, built, more so than they looked.

Perfect for caging him in cuddles.

His thoughts come to an abrupt halt.

_Cuddles?_

Since when does he even _think_ about cuddles?

It's weird.

He doesn't seem... _disgusted_ by the idea of closeness anymore. Not towards the others, and strangely, not towards Lance either. Cuddling... actually sound quite nice; comforting, warm, loving.

He smiles into Lance's shoulder.

He's definitely not okay with 'being even'. He cares for Lance. He's going to prove that he truly doesn't mind the blue paladins humor, his witt, his challenging demeanor, his voice in general.

He's going to make it up to him. His first attempt will maybe end up similar to the position they're in now. If not, Keith will be okay with that too. Lance owes him nothing. But he owes Lance _the universe._

He pulls away, eyes sparkling like the stars that surround them in space. "Hey, Lance?"

"Yeah?"

"Pidge says she managed to download a few movies onto her laptop. Care for a movie night?"

Lance's face lit up, "Do you even have to ask?"

Keith laughed, "Alright, let's go."

He may be awful at feelings, and in general, controlling himself, but he'd work on it.

He will do it for Lance.

No matter what, he'd earn back his trust.

His smile. His laughter.

God, he'd be blessed if he got more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "we're going nowhere fast."
> 
> Scream at me on tumblr? Link in the last chapter!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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